Cheater Cheater, Offense Repeater

If a picture is worth a thousand words, why didn't any of us catch on after this one was snapped? ... Once a two-timer, always a two-timer. Last week Deadspin reported on the doping of yet another athlete, who is now caught up in yet another accusation: Alberto Cantador.

Just a few weeks ago the three-time Tour De France winner had tested positive for trace amounts of a banned substance, clenbuterol, and was able to play it off as the result of eating foreign steak (this substance is used with livestock in some countries). In combination with the miniscule levels found and the fact that it was found on a rest day - meaning there would have been no need to be doping on his day off - officials believed his story. This time, though, there is no cow or calf that can help him, because we know he’s full of BULL.

Last week, Contador was given a urine test, and low and behold: he failed again. What was found this time, might you ask? Elevated levels of a plastic residue: characteristic of what you would find in the urine of an athlete who had just taken a blood transfusion from a plastic bag. This means Contador had been illegally drawing his own blood before races and re-injecting it into his body. By doing this, he could raise his body’s ability to carry oxygen by raising his red blood cell count.

So where did those trace samples from “steak” really come from? Contador, the dummy, must have previously been doping when he drew the blood originally. When he injected it back into his body for a race, he was also re-injecting the dope. IDIOT: not only will he now be busted for illegal blood transfusions, but he can also be busted for the previous violation of doping. Some people are just so stoopid.

HAHA. Again, A-Roid: You Suck.

Today's sports poll in USA Today. Bahaha...

Tiger and Elin are Toast

As of yesterday, El Tigre and Elin are officially dunzo.

According to their statement, the ex-couple (aka BOTH of them) commented that “We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future.” Ha. Yea, I bet those were Elin’s exact thoughts right there. I mean, after she was dragged through the public eye amidst hookers, humiliation and sex rehab, I can see how she would be so understanding and kind.

While the couple didn’t give details of their breakup, it is rumored Elin received at least $100 mil from the cheetah. For those of you who were wondering what the deal was with the pre-nup on that one, El Tigre did make Elin sign one, but it was renegotiated after he decided to bang half the muffins this side of the Mississippi.

On a more serious note, Elin and El Tigre also commented that their main concern was their children and will split custody of their two sons, Sam Alexis, 3, and Charlie, 18 months.

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A-Roid Bangs Out 600

…homers, not homegirls that is (Let’s be honest, in terms of getting some, we all know he passed that number longgg ago).

For the first time I can remember, A-Roid is making news for something that doesn’t have to do with Madonna, ‘roid rage or dime-store hookers. Wait a second… I think we all need to take a minute to stop and appreciate this monumental event. Alex Rodriguez breaking news for his actual job on the field, not his recreational activities playing the field? This moment feels strikingly similar to when I noticed Santa had the same handwriting as my mom…

Anyways, moving on: yes, A-Roid did, in fact, hit his 600th homer yesterday in the Yankees’ game vs. the Blue Jays. This adds him to the list of 6 players who have ever hit 600 home runs in their MLB careers – Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, Willie Mays, Ken Griffey, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds. What makes his feat an even bigger deal is that he is now also the youngest player to ever do it. The previous title-holder was Babe Ruth, who broke the 600 mark at 35. A-Roid just turned 35 at the end of July.

When Will Athletes Learn: Drug Tests Show Substance Abuse

I thought it was an easy concept to grasp, but apparently not. When are athletes going to learn? Drug tests show substance abuse. That means it.will.show.if.you.have.taken.drugs. How many athletes will need to get caught before they learn: hence the "test" portion, the idea is to pass by not having toxins in your system. Duh.

Contrary to popular belief, this matter appears to be trickier than it seems. At the scouting combine both Southern California tight end Anthony McCoy and Georgia Tech running back Jonathan Dwyer failed their "exams". McCoy tested positive for marijuana and Dwyer tested positive for amphetamines (apparently because of taking prescription drugs).

Ok, so let me get this straight: you are willing to risk throwing away your careers over a joint and possibly some Adderall? Maybe McCoy fried a few too many brain cells smoking the reefer, but Dwyer? If it was Adderall, usually when students use it illegally it's to help them cram for papers and exams. That being said, shouldn't you at least be a little smarter for it? Apparently not. For his sake, I hope his claim to prescription drugs was a lie and that he at least used some hardcore amphetamine like speed. If you're going to get caught, you might as well have done something a little more fun to land you in trouble.

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TMI

Don't get me wrong, I am all about everyone getting theirs, but when it comes to the intimate (or lack of) bedroom habits of sports stars, it's a little too much. Today it was leaked that Tiger is still on pussy probation with Elin - apparently the two still haven't done the deed since his sexcapades. Maybe if he had been able to keep his mouth shut about those, he wouldn't feel the need to chat about his lack of a love life now? Wah wah, I still have zero sympathy. Meanwhile, apparently David Beckham and Sporty Spice are having sex 5 times a day in hopes of getting pregnant with a girl. Jealous much, El Tigre?

Tiki Barber Earns Classy Move of the Week Award

In perhaps the classiest (true) sports news I have heard this week, Tiki Barber has announced that he is leaving his wife of 11 years to be with a 23-year-old former intern. His wife of 11 years is 8 months pregnant with twins. In a confused statement, Tiki mentioned a commitment to family as he parted from his overly ripe spouse. I don't know if he got the memo, but a commitment to family absolutely does not include leaving a woman who is 8 months pregnant. At least have the decency to wait until 6 weeks after birth when she has shed two children, lost her mind, and can beat the living shit out of you.

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No More Shit-Talking on El Tigre?

Tiger's caddy, Steve Williams, doesn't seem to think that El Tigre is going to face any scrutiny from fans upon his return at the Masters. Hmmm.... Just because Golfsmith, America's largest golf retailer, recently released info claiming that sales of Tiger branded Nike gear are up from last year doesn't mean he's going to be greeted with a straight face from the crowd. I mean, let's be serious, it's gotten so bad there was a billboard campaign, Mistress golf balls and a even an iPhone app inspired by his sexcapades. Still think fans are going to be thinking strictly about his game with those souvenirs available for purchase? Haha, yea, maybe his hole-in-ones. Now if he could just learn to put it in one hole.

Tiger Returning for the Masters in 3D

According to the Associated Press, Tiger won't be returning to the game until at least year's Masters Tournament. As if Tiger's return wouldn't be enough of an incentive to tune in, on Monday Augusta National announced that the 2010 Masters will also be available in 3D. While the idea of a gold ball flying out of the screen might be slightly intimidating, it's still pretty cool the tournament will be the first 3D sports event on US TV. After Avatar, I'm all in - pass the goggles, please.

The Latest iPhone App for Cheetahs

Attention all lying, cheating, or otherwise generally scum-baggy iPhone users: for just $1.60 a month, you can ensure your deceitful ways will go on uninterrupted by significant others of all types. Nosy girlfriend? Wife? Overprotective booty call? Have no fear: simply download TigerText, and you’ll be able to set a timed delete on all of your shameful and/or scandalous texts. It’s like having a housekeeper for your other dirty laundry.

Even PETA Hates Tiger

Normally PETA mistreating an animal would sound counter intuitive, but in the case of El Tigre, it seems to be an exception. Check out their new billboard ads to promote spaying and neutering dogs and cats. If everything else hasn't made it crystal clear, I hope this makes Woods realize how pathetic he is - even PETA is ripping your shit ... and I have zero sympathy. Ha.ha.ha.

Cheaters, Cheaters, Wifey Beaters

Why does it seem like everything keeps coming back to cheating? Just when you think we had virtually exhausted the ways athletes find to be dishonest, Warren Sapp decides to raise the bar by adding yet another to the list. (While it’s been rumored that the Curves’ exposé of falsifications were what spurred the retired defensive tackle take action on the cheating front, it is yet to be confirmed.) Whatever the motive, Sapp decided to cheat the legal system last weekend when he conned a judge into expediting his release from jail.

The offense? Choking and throwing his girlfriend for the male contacts in her phone. The repercussions? A whopping one hour in jail. Afterwards, Sapp apologized for, “…taking away any distraction from today’s big game [the Super Bowl]”. Wow, he’s good. No wonder they released the Dancing with the Stars runner-up in less time than it took him to hustle to “Funkytown”: it’s clear he sees the bigger picture and feels remorse for his actions. Forget apologizing for beating a woman less than half your size – potentially distracting from the national holiday of Super Bowl Sunday is obviously a much more serious offense. Idiot.

Higher Age Floor, Lower Arrest Levels for NBA?

Last week in one of my posts about cheaters I touched on how very difficult universities can make academics for their athletes. This idea goes hand in hand with what some argue is the need for an older minimum age to enter the NBA; those players who have not gone to college are more likely to get in trouble with the po-po later in their careers. Apparently, a college education is supposed to smarten you up a little – maybe make you rethink hitting your girlfriend like Dennis Rodman, or getting caught with weed like Sheed? The funny thing is both Rodman and Wallace went to college. So what does that mean in terms of a link between higher education and lower arrest rates?

In a study designed to look at the validity of such a claim, researchers actually found that nearly the opposite was true. Out of 84 NBA players who had been arrested, more than half – 48 – had completed four years of college. Of the remaining 36 players, 27 had completed at least two years of college. In fact, out of every arrested NBA player studied, less than 5% had not gone to college at all.

Although NBA Commissioner David Stern has openly pushed to have the age floor raised to 20 years old, there are others like Congressman Steve Cohen who have gone as far as to call the idea “a vestige of slavery” because it constitutes “a restraint on a person’s freedoms and liberties.” I’m not saying I agree with Stern, but I think “a vestige of slavery” is a little dramatic. Let’s take it down a notch, Cohen – we’re talking about picking up high schoolers, not picking cotton. The NBA’s age floor is currently set at 19, which means unless a player has been held back a year, they are pretty much forced to attend at least a year of college before going pro. This rule will be up for reconsideration when it expires next year.

While I think we all know universities don’t exactly kill athletes with workloads or hard classes, after checking out those study results maybe they should consider raising the academic bar slightly as a possible solution in the meantime. If athletes are already getting their own “special” classes (Addition and Subtraction 111, US States 120) why not at least make them relevant to their future careers? I mean, it’s pretty obvious that their current degrees aren’t doing a whole hell of a lot to help them to stay out of trouble. I personally think Hiding Substance Use 425 or Controlling Abusive Urges 315 sound like they’d be pretty popular, and maybe a more practical solution until a verdict is reached in 2011.

Cheaters, Cheaters, Steroid Eaters

Speaking of cheating, history shows some of the unmarried ones like to follow in their colleague’s footsteps. Swapping underage, implanted and over-tanned broads for pill popping and shooting up, it seems the records of some of our other beloved sports stars aren’t exactly squeaky clean, either. From Barry Bonds to Gary Sheffield to Andre Agassi, it’s a long list of athletes who’ve gotten busted for performance-enhancing drugs. Hell, Jason and Jeremy Giambi even made it a family affair. While I know we are so close to perfect it’s scary, women aren’t getting off scot free this time; swimmer Jessica Hardy and hurdler Sandra Glover were both nabbed for ‘roids too. The sport of cheating has become so popular that Alex Rodriguez and Roger Clemens have started the trend of being two-time two-timers – they top the prestigious list of those who like fail both their wives and blood tests.

As if that wasn’t enough already, the movement has even been affecting the oh-so-impressionable minds of the industry’s youngsters. Anyone else remember the case of the 23 FSU athletes caught cheating on tests? C’mon guys – the NCAA only requires you to have a 2.1 for eligibility, and I think it’s pretty common knowledge that universities can pad the grades of those realllly tough courses you enroll in. With this in mind I’ve come to the conclusion that these cheating sensations gripping the athletic population aren’t out of must, but like their (in)fidelity counterpart, lust. Between falsified exams, failed blood work and too many mistresses to count, cheating hasn’t just become a
pre-req for athletes, but a preview of the behavior to come.

Athlete sex scandals: Was 2009 the worst?

2009 wasn't too good for most people. The groundbreaking reality of electing a minority President began to become overshadowed by economic struggles and a failed plane bombing on Christmas Day. Not even several prominent sports celebrities could escape the unwanted press. As we have already discussed here at CCUB, many big-time athletic figures decided to adopt the coupon-book mentality that if you commit to one woman, you should get another one on the side for free. To make matters worse, Pitino and Carroll emerged from these embarrassing incidents relatively unscathed (Fortunately, I don't think that Tiger Wood's donation to Haiti, while incredibly generous, will undo the fact that he wrongly cheated on women that were not comparable to Elin in the first place)!

Some of these cheaters (Pitino) confronted any rumors of infidelity head on, leading to diminished speculation on their actions, and allowing the media to move on to more pressing issues. Others (Woods) tried to evade the accusations and had the whole situation blow up in their face. Regardless of how these athletic figures chose to approach the fact that they cheated, all of these consecutive high-profile instances of marital infidelity seemed to make 2009 an unusually big year on the cheating front. Besides these three, other alleged instances of cheating include Steve McNair and David Beckham. Has recent history provided us any comparable years of infidelity?

2003 will always be remembered by the Kobe Bryant controversy, but it wasn't the only memorable act of cheating. Who can forget football coach Mike Price, who decided to celebrate his hiring by having sex with a stripper (Alabama definitely knows how to pick 'em, because this came four years after their football coach Mike Dubose had an alleged affair with his secretary)?!

In 2004, we had big-time athletes like Alex Rodriguez getting it on with an ex-stripper, the first of many alleged affairs for Rodriguez (and as we all know, only the beginning of Rodriguez's image problems). We also had David Beckham (the guy cannot keep it in his pants) banging his nanny. And last, but certainly not least, we had Colorado Rockies pitcher Denny Neagle, who apparently decided that if you are going to cheat on your wife and ruin your career, you might as well do so in grand fashion. Not only did he receive oral sex in his car from a prostitute while drunk, but he was also ticketed for speeding. Go Denny go.

These gentlemen were all valiant in their quest to be the biggest douchebag, but the results don't lie. Tiger and 2009 take the cake for marital infidelity.

Shock and Awe

Needing to replenish my electrolytes after a serious night of heavy 90's dancing, I was at the store buying some yellow Gatorade, and what do I see? Lamar has already been caught cheating on Khloe. Shocking... I think not.

Let's Call the Whole Thing Off

I think we all know that professional athletes are as renowned for their monogamy as rock stars. As an example of how this works, let us review Kobe's relationship (in a light more favorable to the defendant, of course). Kobe cheated, was accused of rape, and then bought off not only the chick crying foul but also his wife. Governor Spitzer isn't running around telling everyone about the unnecessarily large diamond he bought for his wife when he was sneaking around with a whore. So, what is it about professional athletes?

If Richard Jefferson's split with his fiancee is any indication, certainly money may prove to be the common denominator. It's fairly comedic when a man says he's "not trying to buy her off." If a woman needed a lump sum of money to "move on" we'd all be rich. If these were the rules of the game I, for one, would just be as sweet as pie until he was wrapped around my finger and then pretend to go crazy be told to "move on," pass go, and collect my $200. In sum, no self-respecting woman would engage in such childish notions of love and relationships. This explains a lot about groupies... but I digress.

Of further interest is that Jefferson told the media, "I'm not gay. That could be further from the truth." Perhaps he should have stuck out that last year of college because he might have learned that when something could be further from the truth, it's not that far away from the truth. On the other hand, perhaps this was a subtle way of coming out, arguably in an attempt to avoid an Amaechi type uproar? In that case, I fully respect paying the woman off. Perhaps he's paying her to keep her mouth shut.

On that note, as a self-respecting woman I can say that if my fiancee canceled our wedding days before it was to take place via email I'd be pissed enough to expect something in return. Rest assured, the ring would be returned in exchange for money paid to me rather than an ex-fiancee (consider it a tax for being a jerk). Luckily, due to the media attention, the chick probably didn't have to spend the time making the embarrassing phone calls telling her guests not to bother showing up because my fiancee is actually gay. (Flip side, people like me get to extend their personal opinions into cyberspace.) So, here's the moral: if you're a gay man, don't ask a woman to marry you. If you're a woman, don't accept a marriage proposal from a gay man. Finally, all is fair in love and war but, let's not stoop so low that we're being bought off!