Cosmo F’s Up… but Not Literally

Known for their juicy scoops on all matters of the boudoir, Cosmopolitan magazine is definitely not your grandma’s Good Housekeeping. Yet, as an avid reader of numerous Cosmo articles outline dirty, scandalous and often even seemingly painful bits of sexual advice in all of their nympho glory, for the first time I have read something in an issue that truly offended me. Cosmo named A-Roid as their Bachelor of the Year. EXCUSE ME?
Get out of town, Cosmo. I don’t care if he was the best looking man on earth (which, I must point out, he is NOT … not by a long shot) OR that he is a phenomenal baseball player. The guy is a douchey, pompous, creepster who is poisonous to everything he touches.
I’m sorry, did anyone else forget about that long period of steroid use he continuously lied about until finally being caught red handed? Or what about the demise of his 6-year marriage? Oh, yea, that was caused by extramarital affairs with STRIPPERS and PROSTITUTES, wasn’t it? For the love of fake double D’s, he used a damn call-girl agency! Hmmm … Interesting. If you are the top-paid baseball player in history and you need to use a sleazy call-girl service to get serviced, I would say that only screams one thing (and it’s not your name, evidently): PATHETIC.
I don’t think the nickname “The Cooler” comes from nowhere. Teams turn cold when he joins and hot when he leaves … and isn’t Cosmo’s “expertise” supposed to give the opposite effects on groups of young, sexy men? Again: hmmm… interesting.

Dear Cosmo,
Get your poop in a group and your head out of your ass: A-Roid is still a D-Bag.
Love,
Kfisch

HAHA. Again, A-Roid: You Suck.

Today's sports poll in USA Today. Bahaha...

A-Roid Bangs Out 600

…homers, not homegirls that is (Let’s be honest, in terms of getting some, we all know he passed that number longgg ago).

For the first time I can remember, A-Roid is making news for something that doesn’t have to do with Madonna, ‘roid rage or dime-store hookers. Wait a second… I think we all need to take a minute to stop and appreciate this monumental event. Alex Rodriguez breaking news for his actual job on the field, not his recreational activities playing the field? This moment feels strikingly similar to when I noticed Santa had the same handwriting as my mom…

Anyways, moving on: yes, A-Roid did, in fact, hit his 600th homer yesterday in the Yankees’ game vs. the Blue Jays. This adds him to the list of 6 players who have ever hit 600 home runs in their MLB careers – Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, Willie Mays, Ken Griffey, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds. What makes his feat an even bigger deal is that he is now also the youngest player to ever do it. The previous title-holder was Babe Ruth, who broke the 600 mark at 35. A-Roid just turned 35 at the end of July.

Stripping Down Reggie Bush

Normally, I would be willing to do just about anything short of standing on the corner to get Reggie Bush nakey (Please see exhibit A to the left if for some unknown reason you feel you need further explanation). That being said, seen and salivated over, I think the fact that I am adamant about not stripping down Reggie in this instance puts his most recent controversy into quite some perspective.

This year the Saints’ running back came under investigation for allegedly receiving benefits from the University of Southern California football program back during his time as a Trojan. Being the all-star he is, he also happened to win a Heisman Trophy while he played for USC. Now, if you are an intelligent person, you are probably wondering why this matters. Typical NCAA, they are considering retroactively declaring Bush ineligible for his 2004 and 2005 seasons. Heisman rules declare that a "recipient must be in compliance with the bylaws defining an NCAA student-athlete”, which means they could potentially make the choice to strip Reggie of his title.

Seriously? All I have to say is give.me.a.frickin.break. As if anything that happened FIVE years ago isn’t already old news that no one cares about, I think that of all possible athlete trespasses, “receiving benefits” should be the least of the NCAA’s worries (Helllllo A-Rod, Mike Tyson and, oh yea: Tiger?). Unless he was “receiving” blowies from half the female USC employees on a bi-weekly basis, I don’t think any gifts bestowed upon him could really be that inappropriate. And besides: can you blame the guy for accepting expensive gifts for simply doing what he loved? That would be like Bret Michaels turning down the Rock of Love hoes that come as a side dish with his 15-minutes of fame. Exactly: not going to happen.

Besides, if we are going to get on the topic of miscreant Heisman recipients, let’s not forget that OJ Simpson (who killed people) and Tim Tebow (need I really say more about this pussy?) are still proud members of the club. I think I make my point.

Cheaters, Cheaters, Steroid Eaters

Speaking of cheating, history shows some of the unmarried ones like to follow in their colleague’s footsteps. Swapping underage, implanted and over-tanned broads for pill popping and shooting up, it seems the records of some of our other beloved sports stars aren’t exactly squeaky clean, either. From Barry Bonds to Gary Sheffield to Andre Agassi, it’s a long list of athletes who’ve gotten busted for performance-enhancing drugs. Hell, Jason and Jeremy Giambi even made it a family affair. While I know we are so close to perfect it’s scary, women aren’t getting off scot free this time; swimmer Jessica Hardy and hurdler Sandra Glover were both nabbed for ‘roids too. The sport of cheating has become so popular that Alex Rodriguez and Roger Clemens have started the trend of being two-time two-timers – they top the prestigious list of those who like fail both their wives and blood tests.

As if that wasn’t enough already, the movement has even been affecting the oh-so-impressionable minds of the industry’s youngsters. Anyone else remember the case of the 23 FSU athletes caught cheating on tests? C’mon guys – the NCAA only requires you to have a 2.1 for eligibility, and I think it’s pretty common knowledge that universities can pad the grades of those realllly tough courses you enroll in. With this in mind I’ve come to the conclusion that these cheating sensations gripping the athletic population aren’t out of must, but like their (in)fidelity counterpart, lust. Between falsified exams, failed blood work and too many mistresses to count, cheating hasn’t just become a
pre-req for athletes, but a preview of the behavior to come.

Deets on the Split and A-Rod's Ass Hole-ism

Love Perez! I weaned myself off after Britney got better... apparently I need to get back on this crack habit of a website.

Hudson / A-Roid Quit Before the Holiday Season

Apparently having more time to spend with A-Rod is a turn off. Kate Hudson and A-Rod have announced a split after they have f'ed their kids up even more.

We Want Soup and We Want It Now - Reason #4,945,060 I Hate the Yankees

It took me an hour and a half to get roughly a mile and a half this morning, all because of the Yankees. Unfortunately, my office is right across the street from City Hall Plaza, where today's parade concludes and the Yankees will be awarded the keys to the city.

This brings me to my next qualm - in the post-9/11 era we're seriously handing out keys to the city? In the city whose motto is "If you see something, say something," I feel compelled to speak up. First of all, why do they gets the keys to NYC? I'm pretty sure these guys don't have a problem with walking around freely in the city, win or lose. For example, A-Roid didn't think twice about walking around with Madonna last year when he team didn't even make the playoffs.

Secondly, the Yankees are the "World Champions" and all they get is a key to NYC that doesn't actually open anything. Shit, that sucks. Well thanks Mayor Bloomberg, you really outdid yourself. Now if we could get this thing over with so I can cross Broadway for some food, that'd be AWESOME!

Is Anyone Else SICK of A-Rod and Jeter??

I cannot bear to look at A-Rod or Derek Jeter for one more second...and it is making watching the world series quite difficult. A-Rod, what is with the stupid face you keep making where you pucker your lips and squint your eyes when you know you’re on camera?! Seriously. How about you just focus on hitting the ball? And Jeter, you could not be more awkward. Everyone talks about you like you’re something to look at, but every time I’m forced to look at you, you contort your face into this goofy and awkward expression. And keep your eyebrows down! Why are you always raising one?!

As a Boston Red Sox fan I find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to root for the Phillies as they try to win back-to-back World Series Championships. I’m uncomfortable with this because it downplays the awesomeness of the Sox winning Championships in 2004 and again in 2007. Also we’re only leading Philly and the Giants in overall World Championship wins by 2 championships, and if the Phillies win the series this year they’ll only trail us by 1. Still, my overall hatred for the Yankees, combined with these 2 clowns and they’re stupid faces really leave me with no other option…Go Phillies!

A-Rod Cops a Feel

A-Rod really knows how to play the field!



Rodriguez literally copped a feel in the middle of a game Thursday night. Needless to say, the run-in really shocked the crowd.



A-Rod had the following to say after the game: "I'm just glad she didn't read me my rights. Only me. Oh my god, how embarrassing." Obviously, A-Rod didn't want it to get too kinky so Kate Hudson shouldn't be too worried.

What happened to teamwork?

Prior to the 2007-2008 NFL season Sport Illustrated rated Peyton Manning the #1 player in the NFL. While it is next to impossible to compare players in the league because of the dramatic differences in their roles on the field, I found it interesting that Sports Illustrated would rank Peyton #1 when it was clear to anyone paying attention to the league that Brady was the QB most likely to win a ring that year. Ironically, it was Peyton's little brother that ultimately won that ring.

While virtually every Patriots fan would argue the Giants should not have won that Superbowl many would merely point out the Pats undefeated record prior to the Super Bowl including a prior win over the Giants. The Giants' comeback would be that those wins were by a small margin: 38-35 in the regular season.

However, a seriously analytical look at the Patriots vs. Giants reveals a much different picture. The Pats's QB was the leader in pass efficiency, completing 68.9% of his passes for a total of 4,806 yards. In fact, of the top 5 games for passing yards, Tom Brady held 4 of the 5 top spots. Eli, on the other hand, held not a single top 5 game for passing yards and completed only 56.1% with a total of 3,336 yards. New England became the home of some of the most renowned receivers in the league during their "spending spree" during the free-agency period as well as acquiring some key defensive players. The Pats acquired Washington, Stalworth, Moss, and a variety of others including luring Junior Seau out of retirement for the first time in hopes he'd finally win that ring his career earned but his team never did.

The GIants played decent football. They finished the regular season 10-6, behind the Cowboys and the Packers in their conference. Shockingly for a QB that he never won a playoff game prior to this season, Manning was able to beat the Packers and Brett Favre to earn their place in the Super Bowl. The win by Manning was so dramatic because of the frighteningly frigid temps on game day in Green Bay as well his inexperience compared to the veteran Favre. Let's face it, Eli Manning isn't that good and the Patriots should have won that Super Bowl. In fact, the Giants shouldn't have been there, all things considered.

Regardless, what matters at the end of the day is that ring. Both Manning brothers have achieved this - back-to-back - with Peyton winning in 2007 and Eli in 2008. But what does a ring really say about a QB? Absolutely nothing in my mind. After all, football is a team sport and while having a good QB is essential, they are worthless without receivers to pass to. LIkewise, without a good defense, an offensive line's efforts are in vain. To me, the failure to recognize the "team" collectively explains the shortfalls of Kobe Bryant and the Yankees. Fielding a team, as the Pats did in their 2007-2008 undefeated season, is the only true way to win.

You look at the salaries of players like A-Rod and wonder what the hell the Yankees are thinking agreeing to a $250 million contract (after refusing Scott Boras' demands for $350 million, forcing A-Rod to negotiate his own contract because Boras is such an ass hole he won't admit he's way too full of himself) when they don't even make the playoffs! On the other hand, the Red Sox get criticized for "not being able to afford" players like A-Rod. The truth is the Red Sox are the only other team in baseball that could consider fielding a decent team and paying such a ridiculous salary. The key is that Theo Epstein is unwilling to pay more for a player than the benefits that player can actually contribute to the team. If A-Rod were worth his asking price, I can assure you the Red Sox would have signed a deal with him, as would even less well-off teams in MLB. The fact is that the Yankees have lost sight of the concept of a team, much like the Lakers who worship Bryant and only tentatively consider adding another player with talent because of the tension that would ensure with Kobe's insane ego. This mentality is why the Celtics - fielding a team with KG, Pierce, and Allen - beat Kobe to win the Championship two years ago.

All of this is getting a somewhat far removed point, I am curious to see how Jake Cutler does in Chicago. Obviously, there is a lot of hype of this trade. Undoubtedly, Chicago is excited for a winning season. But, ultimately a QB means nothing without a team to back him. While all the pressure in the world is put on the QB, fans expectations can be too high based merely on the QB, ignoring the obvious that without good defense and offensive linemen, a QB can be the best in the league and still lose.

Just to rub it in...

The Yankees have not won a single game against the Red Sox this season. And, as if to add insult to injury, no one even wants to buy A-Rod's book. Personally, I would not take A-Rod for the literate type. After all, his own wife showed up at one of his games sporting a shirt that said F A-Rod which generally screams "trashy" to me. And, not to be overly stereotypical, but I have generally found trashy people don't read and write as well as, say, not so trashy people. Additionally, it really makes me wonder whether A-Rod's confessions of steroid use were to sell books Canseco style? I'm just saying...