Who would marry Big Ben?!

So, rumors are swirling that Ben Roethlisberger is engaged to be married. What kind of trashy chick agrees to marry a professional athlete that has been accused of raping women twice?! Ashley Harlan, a Pittsburgh native, is allegedly that girl. Ashley, I just hope he does better than Tiger!

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Golf World Blowing $ on Bottles and Re-couping via Resale

While pro golfer Anthony Kim was busy blowing ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS on bottle service in just one night in Vegas, another celeb of the golf world was busy making some dough as opposed to blowing it.

Elin has been busy selling all of the expensive “sorry-I-F’ed-100-other-women” jewelry El Tigre gave her over the course of their relationship. I have to say, I wouldn’t care how much I loved a Cartier watch, even if I sold it off for a hundy it would be well worth it after what he put her through. Hell, I’d even throw a low blow and hold a highly public auction, e-bay style. Get it girlll.

Another Stroke for El Tigre

Devon James, a woman alleged to have had an extramarital affair with Tiger Woods, has announced that she has sold a sex tape depicting her and Tiger doing the deed. The "classiest" part is that James' HUSBAND was apparently the one out shopping for buyers based on this article.

I really have nothing else to say about that.

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Even El Tigre's familia has issues with him...

Over the past few years, Tiger has been hit from all sides of the spectrum. The press has ripped him to shreds. He's lost too many sponsors too count. And, as we have repeatedly mentioned, El Tigre has had some issues with the ladies, culminating in his recent divorce from Elin. But apparently, all this hasn't been enough for Tiger. His tendencies to be a dud anywhere off the golf course even extended to criticism from his own family, as his half-brother Earl Woods Jr. has recently called Woods' actions 'stupid' and the opposite of how his father would have wanted him to act. He proceeded to call out his little bro, saying "He [Woods Sr.] would have wanted to know how Tiger would respond" Ouchhhh. Where ya gonna turn now Tiger after you got called out like that? It is a little weird that Earl Woods Jr. has directed his attacks towards Tiger 10 months after everything spiraled out of control, but I'm not one to get into potential underlying motives. What is clear is that Tiger needs to continue getting back into form on the golf course and heavily immerse himself in charity and community work to have any chance at changing his image towards the public. And with all the problems El Tigre has had recently, the public now includes his immediate family as well. Personally, I'm just hoping that Woods heavily utilizes the Mastercard slogan that "there are some things money can't buy". That would be enough of a step in the right direction for me.

Tiger and Elin are Toast

As of yesterday, El Tigre and Elin are officially dunzo.

According to their statement, the ex-couple (aka BOTH of them) commented that “We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future.” Ha. Yea, I bet those were Elin’s exact thoughts right there. I mean, after she was dragged through the public eye amidst hookers, humiliation and sex rehab, I can see how she would be so understanding and kind.

While the couple didn’t give details of their breakup, it is rumored Elin received at least $100 mil from the cheetah. For those of you who were wondering what the deal was with the pre-nup on that one, El Tigre did make Elin sign one, but it was renegotiated after he decided to bang half the muffins this side of the Mississippi.

On a more serious note, Elin and El Tigre also commented that their main concern was their children and will split custody of their two sons, Sam Alexis, 3, and Charlie, 18 months.

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El Tigre – Illegit Cubs?

I’m probably not stating anything we all didn’t already know, but Tiger Woods just might be the dumbest man alive. I cannot bear to keep writing about his 1038571289 F-ups, so to make it slightly more bearable, let’s creep the old news outline style:

• Cheated on wife
--- Gorgeous model wife
--- Cheatees? ...Amy Winehouse might be classier
• Got caught
--- W/ at least 120 of the 25287345602 total sluts
• Lost Millions in Endorsements
--- Gillette
--- Gatorade
--- Buick
--- Accenture
• Screwed the Pooch at the Master’s **
--- Tied for 4th – we might as well round to 5th
**for once, not literally

Ok, so those are the more obvious parts, but according to recent news, apparently there might be even more to this (not so) sneaky bastard’s saga.

• Love children? (NOTE: plural)
--- 2 ½ years old
--- 9-years old
--- Mother: “escort” Devon James

Tiger if this is true you are beyond stupid. Stoo-pid. Just check out your rap sheet. Are you really telling me you are so irresponsible you wouldn’t wrap it up with these sluts? ( I mean, let’s get serious, it’s not like you’re even picking them up off the nicer corners in town. ) An F-ing pre-pubescent middle-schooler would have more common sense in that situation. That same middle-schooler could also tell you the outcome in that story: babies (…and probably a vicious case of herpes). So if 12-year-olds are getting it, why aren’t you?

While the “escort” claims both children are from Tiger, and they he was the only “African American” man she was seeing (i.e. banging) during that time frame, her own mother has labeled her a loony and said she is lying. Whatever the truth comes out to be, I still think this just further solidifies Tiger’s:

1. Slimeball status
2. Phenomenal IQ
___ a. Negative numbers are an extreme rarity

Stripping Down Reggie Bush

Normally, I would be willing to do just about anything short of standing on the corner to get Reggie Bush nakey (Please see exhibit A to the left if for some unknown reason you feel you need further explanation). That being said, seen and salivated over, I think the fact that I am adamant about not stripping down Reggie in this instance puts his most recent controversy into quite some perspective.

This year the Saints’ running back came under investigation for allegedly receiving benefits from the University of Southern California football program back during his time as a Trojan. Being the all-star he is, he also happened to win a Heisman Trophy while he played for USC. Now, if you are an intelligent person, you are probably wondering why this matters. Typical NCAA, they are considering retroactively declaring Bush ineligible for his 2004 and 2005 seasons. Heisman rules declare that a "recipient must be in compliance with the bylaws defining an NCAA student-athlete”, which means they could potentially make the choice to strip Reggie of his title.

Seriously? All I have to say is give.me.a.frickin.break. As if anything that happened FIVE years ago isn’t already old news that no one cares about, I think that of all possible athlete trespasses, “receiving benefits” should be the least of the NCAA’s worries (Helllllo A-Rod, Mike Tyson and, oh yea: Tiger?). Unless he was “receiving” blowies from half the female USC employees on a bi-weekly basis, I don’t think any gifts bestowed upon him could really be that inappropriate. And besides: can you blame the guy for accepting expensive gifts for simply doing what he loved? That would be like Bret Michaels turning down the Rock of Love hoes that come as a side dish with his 15-minutes of fame. Exactly: not going to happen.

Besides, if we are going to get on the topic of miscreant Heisman recipients, let’s not forget that OJ Simpson (who killed people) and Tim Tebow (need I really say more about this pussy?) are still proud members of the club. I think I make my point.

Say what?

Nominees for the BET Awards came out, and I have to say I am more than a little confused. 

Exhibit 1:

Slightly unrelated, yet still newsworthy in my mind... Either simply being close friends with a black celebrity gives you enough African American status to qualify for an award, or I must have missed something.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, Justin Beiber was nominated for Best New Artist.  I'm sorry, what???  But then again, I guess if they were going to pick a white boy, it’s good they chose one with some serious street cred. (if you’re not catching my sarcasm, trust me: I’m laying it on THICK over here).  

Exhibit 2:

Moving on to something more related, nominees for Sportsman of the Year?  Rightfully so Carmelo Anthony, Usain Bolt, Kobe Bryant and Lebron James all made the cut… but then they decided to throw a curveball and add Tiger Woods to the list of nominees?  For real?  Ok, homeboy was out half the season, didn’t even win the Master’s and, oh yea, was known worldwide for cheating on his wife with 121 other women.  I’d like to think he personifies many qualities I look for in award nominees. 

All I have to say is, "that is wac".

Tiger Asks Elin to Sign Lifetime Confidentiality Clause

So, Tiger has apparently asked Elin to sign a lifetime confidentiality agreement as part of their divorce. First of all, what else could this guy possibly have to hide?! Second, it must be pretty bad if he thinks he has a reputation to salvage here.

However, rumor has it that the divorce settlement is around the $750 million figure. Elin really took Ivana's old adage, "Don't get mad, get everything," to heart.

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Who wants their own little piece of Tiger?

Just buy the up and coming Playboy, featuring Tiger's first bunny, Rachel Uchitel. Honestly, I think $6.99 is too much to pay to see her naked. First of all, she has fake boobs, and honestly once you've seen one pair of fakes, you've seen them all. Second, I mean everyone has already seen her naked, because she took nude pics of herself a way long time ago. Unless they're going to make a sweet design on her na-na, I don't see what all the fuss is about. Then again, "I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about." I doubt it Frank, but you should never say never.

Woods' Sluts Just Can't Get Enough

So, apparently Joslyn James is just everywhere. Not only has this clown slept with El Tigre, she spends her time watching boxing matches between Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz. First of all, the name Tito Ortiz (not to be stereotypical) just screams "I'm about to hit you." Second of all, if you're a porn star and a dude named Tito Ortiz wants to bang you, he definitely wants to have domestic "disputes" as well. Lastly, one of Tiger's whores is absolutely going to come forward and claim to have seen it. Maybe after she tells us about Jameson's domestic problems she can tell us how well Tiger is endowed - or not endowed - for that matter.

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Where do you find the time, Tiger?!

El Tigre allegedly had 121 affairs during his 5 year marriage to Elin which begs the question, where ever do you find the time?! Allegedly, the straw the broke the camels back was Tiger screwing his young neighbor - as if the other 119 women or so were just water under the bridge. I actually heard from a reliable source that what REALLY happened was Tiger gave Elin "something," if you catch my drift. Then, upon hearing that one of his mistresses was going public, his own mother beat the ish out of him on Thanksgiving.

Either way, both Mr. and Mrs. Woods have been spotted visiting with divorce lawyers. Remember Elin, "Don't get mad, get everything!"

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Enough said...

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TMI

Don't get me wrong, I am all about everyone getting theirs, but when it comes to the intimate (or lack of) bedroom habits of sports stars, it's a little too much. Today it was leaked that Tiger is still on pussy probation with Elin - apparently the two still haven't done the deed since his sexcapades. Maybe if he had been able to keep his mouth shut about those, he wouldn't feel the need to chat about his lack of a love life now? Wah wah, I still have zero sympathy. Meanwhile, apparently David Beckham and Sporty Spice are having sex 5 times a day in hopes of getting pregnant with a girl. Jealous much, El Tigre?

Tiger Train to Pine Grove Has Left the Station

The latest Tiger Woods drama is that the golfer had sexual relations with a young neighbor. According to the National Inquirer to the two carried on a hidden romance that began when the girl was as young as 14. Hey random neighbor whose name I refuse to even look up for this article, the Tiger train left the station months ago and you weren't on board. In other news, the Enquirer reported that an autopsy revealed an AZ woman was actually an alien. Tell everyone you know.

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No More Shit-Talking on El Tigre?

Tiger's caddy, Steve Williams, doesn't seem to think that El Tigre is going to face any scrutiny from fans upon his return at the Masters. Hmmm.... Just because Golfsmith, America's largest golf retailer, recently released info claiming that sales of Tiger branded Nike gear are up from last year doesn't mean he's going to be greeted with a straight face from the crowd. I mean, let's be serious, it's gotten so bad there was a billboard campaign, Mistress golf balls and a even an iPhone app inspired by his sexcapades. Still think fans are going to be thinking strictly about his game with those souvenirs available for purchase? Haha, yea, maybe his hole-in-ones. Now if he could just learn to put it in one hole.

Tiger, Keep Your Pimp Hand Strong!

Tiger's little sluts apparently really got a kick outta their little flings with the whore golfer. Joslyn James has come out with new evidence of her relationship with Tiger, an envelop Tiger allegedly left for her at a hotel. A Courtyard Marriott in Flint, Michigan - the epitome of class. I haven't seen chicks hoard so much paraphernalia since middle school! This proves several things. One, porn stars really do have emotional deficits. And, two, Stanford might have made a mistake when they admitted El Tigre.

Not to be racist, but that black man wouldn't survive one day outside of suburbia. His street smarts are about as honed as a bat's vision. At this point, I think a racoon could con Tiger out of a snickers on the golf course. If a Stanford educated man can't keep a porn star in check, he need some pimp lessons!

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Tiger Returning for the Masters in 3D

According to the Associated Press, Tiger won't be returning to the game until at least year's Masters Tournament. As if Tiger's return wouldn't be enough of an incentive to tune in, on Monday Augusta National announced that the 2010 Masters will also be available in 3D. While the idea of a gold ball flying out of the screen might be slightly intimidating, it's still pretty cool the tournament will be the first 3D sports event on US TV. After Avatar, I'm all in - pass the goggles, please.

The Latest iPhone App for Cheetahs

Attention all lying, cheating, or otherwise generally scum-baggy iPhone users: for just $1.60 a month, you can ensure your deceitful ways will go on uninterrupted by significant others of all types. Nosy girlfriend? Wife? Overprotective booty call? Have no fear: simply download TigerText, and you’ll be able to set a timed delete on all of your shameful and/or scandalous texts. It’s like having a housekeeper for your other dirty laundry.

Even PETA Hates Tiger

Normally PETA mistreating an animal would sound counter intuitive, but in the case of El Tigre, it seems to be an exception. Check out their new billboard ads to promote spaying and neutering dogs and cats. If everything else hasn't made it crystal clear, I hope this makes Woods realize how pathetic he is - even PETA is ripping your shit ... and I have zero sympathy. Ha.ha.ha.