Cosmo F’s Up… but Not Literally

Known for their juicy scoops on all matters of the boudoir, Cosmopolitan magazine is definitely not your grandma’s Good Housekeeping. Yet, as an avid reader of numerous Cosmo articles outline dirty, scandalous and often even seemingly painful bits of sexual advice in all of their nympho glory, for the first time I have read something in an issue that truly offended me. Cosmo named A-Roid as their Bachelor of the Year. EXCUSE ME?
Get out of town, Cosmo. I don’t care if he was the best looking man on earth (which, I must point out, he is NOT … not by a long shot) OR that he is a phenomenal baseball player. The guy is a douchey, pompous, creepster who is poisonous to everything he touches.
I’m sorry, did anyone else forget about that long period of steroid use he continuously lied about until finally being caught red handed? Or what about the demise of his 6-year marriage? Oh, yea, that was caused by extramarital affairs with STRIPPERS and PROSTITUTES, wasn’t it? For the love of fake double D’s, he used a damn call-girl agency! Hmmm … Interesting. If you are the top-paid baseball player in history and you need to use a sleazy call-girl service to get serviced, I would say that only screams one thing (and it’s not your name, evidently): PATHETIC.
I don’t think the nickname “The Cooler” comes from nowhere. Teams turn cold when he joins and hot when he leaves … and isn’t Cosmo’s “expertise” supposed to give the opposite effects on groups of young, sexy men? Again: hmmm… interesting.

Dear Cosmo,
Get your poop in a group and your head out of your ass: A-Roid is still a D-Bag.
Love,
Kfisch

Red Sox Rookies Get Hazed...But Look Oh So Pretty!

Red Sox veterans dressed their rookies on Thursday as part of the team's annual hazing ritual. Before beating the Yankees 10-8, the Sox forced their rookies to wear these hysterical costumes on the train ride from Boston to New York.

Amongst the Bean Town super heroes were Robert Manuel ("Macho Libre"; my personal fav), Felix Doubront (sexy lifeguard), Lars Anderson (court jester), Ryan Kalish (Reno 9-1-1 cop), Daniel Nava (Batgirl), Matt Fox (Mr. Incredible) and Robert Coello (as something involving lederhosen & pink leotard).

The tradition dates back several years and involves forcing the Rookies to dress up during the team's last regular-season road trip of the season. Costumes from previous years include sexy cheerleaders, Wizard of Oz characters, and even a controversial Teletubby costume.

Always a fan of innocuous hazing rituals, I have to give props to the Rookies for rocking their outfits! You boys may not have made the play-offs this year, but you look damn fine in those short shorts.

HAHA. Again, A-Roid: You Suck.

Today's sports poll in USA Today. Bahaha...

A-Roid Bangs Out 600

…homers, not homegirls that is (Let’s be honest, in terms of getting some, we all know he passed that number longgg ago).

For the first time I can remember, A-Roid is making news for something that doesn’t have to do with Madonna, ‘roid rage or dime-store hookers. Wait a second… I think we all need to take a minute to stop and appreciate this monumental event. Alex Rodriguez breaking news for his actual job on the field, not his recreational activities playing the field? This moment feels strikingly similar to when I noticed Santa had the same handwriting as my mom…

Anyways, moving on: yes, A-Roid did, in fact, hit his 600th homer yesterday in the Yankees’ game vs. the Blue Jays. This adds him to the list of 6 players who have ever hit 600 home runs in their MLB careers – Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, Willie Mays, Ken Griffey, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds. What makes his feat an even bigger deal is that he is now also the youngest player to ever do it. The previous title-holder was Babe Ruth, who broke the 600 mark at 35. A-Roid just turned 35 at the end of July.

At Least Swisher isn’t a Pussy

Remember when this pussy fan had notorious fellow pussy Tim Tebow propose to his girlfriend for him? Apparently a Wikipedia-user with a sick sense of humor decided to take the joke a little too far when they altered the Yankees’ outfielder, Nick Swisher’s, page. The portion detailing Swisher’s proposal to his then-girlfriend, actress*, JoAnna Garcia, read,

“Football player Tim Tebow assisted Swisher with requesting (JoAnna) Garcia’s hand in marriage, by speaking to her parents and being present during the proposal.”

Swisher’s response when a Florida Today reporter mentioned the page?

“_BLEEP_ no! I don’t need some other dude to ask my girl to marry me. I’m a Major League Baseball player. I’m a man. I asked her on the balcony at my place in New York City. Tim Tebow wasn’t there.”

When the reporter brought up the fact that a fan had done it at one of Tebow’s autograph signings, Swisher came back with,

"Yeah, right. Like I went to a Tim Tebow autograph signing. Dude, please."

Good to know at least one man out there can still rightfully claim his dignity on that one. As for the rest of you Tim Tebow idolizers: you might as well do yourselves a favor and hand over your Man Cards now.

*Fun fact – Garcia played Samantha in Are You Afraid of the Dark for two seasons… Balllla.

Steinbrenner’s Services

Although George Steinbrenner’s family will be holding a small private funeral for the immediate family this weekend in Tampa, there will be memorials in two other locations as well. At George M. Steinbrenner field (also in Tampa where the Yankees conduct spring training) and again in New York (likely at Yankee Stadium), public figures and fans alike will honor the late Yankee’s owner credited with bringing them such success.

R.I.P. George...

You might not have loved the man. Shoot, you might have hated everything about him and that team of his. But everyone, including the Red Sox fans here at CCUB, respected the hell out of New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. He died this morning due to a massive heart attack at the age of 80, but his legacy forever changed the sport of baseball. He built the Yankees' empire into what we know it as today, taking over a team that had lost it's identity in the 70s and turning them into one of the most successful teams in any sport. He never took his eyes off the ultimate prize of winning, and went to all costs to achieve constant success, whether that meant firing someone ten days after hiring them, or verbally abusing all (even Hall of Famers like Dave Winfield) that he felt did not put forth the same effort he did towards winning. Rest peacefully George, even though I highly doubt that the words "George Steinbrenner" and "peacefully" can ever really coexist.

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MLB Stepping Up Their Game

The MLB is doing something this year that, in my opinion, is pretty cool. Check out what they are now offering:


MLB.com is offering you the opportunity now to buy tickets at the face value price for your favorite team. Postseason Ticket Reservations is a new feature intended to broaden potential access to these valuable seats, ensuring you that if your team plays in a game you reserve, you get to buy a face-value ticket and go to the game.

Basically, what this means is that fans can reserve a ticket for a LDS, LCS or World Series game by purchasing it now at the same going rate as a regular game (plus a $1 processing fee). The only downfall is, if your team doesn’t make it into the playoffs, you don’t get your money back. Kind of a bummer, but that’s just part of the risk/potential amazing deal.

So far, most people have had some pretty strong opinions against this new feature, calling it “a blatant scam”, “shameful” and even, “a disgusting money grab”. Even though it’s catching a lot of crap from critics, I think it’s a great idea. I also think those haters can all stfu. If you seriously have a problem with it then A. don’t participate or B. buy nosebleed seats you cheap f**ks. If you think $20 for a playoff game is “shameful”, I highly doubt you would be one of the ones purchasing them full-price come playoffs, so it’s really no concern to you anyways.

I look at it a little like gambling or the lotto. Ok, you put down a little money, and you MAY lose it completely. But just think if you played your cards right. You just seriously lucked out, my friend. LDS, LCS, or World Series tickets for face value of a regular game? That’s pretty legit if you ask me.

Oh, and as a sidenote, you can’t purchase Yankees playoff tickets through this process. Kind of a bummer, but sticking to the gambling analogy, let’s be honest about why they aren’t available: the house always wins.

Gaga Takeover

Lady Gaga is just pissing off people in the baseball world these days.



Exhibit One: two weeks ago the Mets let her watch the game from Jerry Seinfield’s luxury box during their game vs. the Padres. First of all – she showed up at a sporting event wearing nothing but a leather jacket and a bikini. (insert eye roll here) I don’t care who you are – that’s never ok. She then proceeded to give the bird to fans trying to take her picture.



Exhibit Two: Lady headed to Yankee stadium and crashed the clubhouse. I think this might be the only time in history that any man has been less than thrilled to be greeted by a tall, blonde woman in nothing but a bra, underwear and sports jersey. Why were they pissed? Well, besides the fact that they had just lost the game, they had to wait to finish speaking with press, who wasn’t allowed to enter until Gaga exited.

Gaga, I love you, but baseball isn’t Hollywood, and you’re not Lindsay Lohan. Put on some clothes and get a grip on yourself, woman – you’re embarrassing yourself. (Not to mention, pick a NY team and do your roots some justice: you’re from Manhattan after all).

Just as an afterthought, I really hope Gags wasn’t shocked by her less-than-warm welcome in both stadiums. These are baseball fans, not paparazzi. They don’t think 2-foot tall hair and rhinestone nipples are cute. Those fans weren’t taking your picture because you are Lady Gaga – they were taking your picture because they found it hysterical someone actually went in public, to a baseball game nonetheless, half-dressed and looking like the morning after. On one hand I feel slightly bad ripping her shit, but on the other, homegirl was asking for it.

Jay-Z Sues Ortiz

Jay-Z has filed a lawsuit against Boston Red Sox hitter David "Big Papi" Ortiz for stealing his club name "40/40". Ortiz recently opened a bar in the Dominican under the name "Forty/Forty", which he claims represents his 40 homers and 40 stolen bases in one season. Jay-Z, who says Ortiz knew about the chain since he's been a guest at his bars, is seeking $5 mil in damages. Considering Jay-Z is a notorious die-hard Yankees fan, I've got to wonder... with a net worth of $500 million, is this really about the $5 million or the fact that homeboy plays for the Red Sox?

New York Wins Over Boston

The Knicks beat the Celtics. The Yankees beat the Red Sox. Moving on.

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The Yankees Suck

As predicted, the Yankees suck and lost to the Red Sox last night.  I hope all you Yankees fans feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  It's like spending $2,000 on a Prada purse on ebay and when it arrives, finding out it's a fake and you can't even return it.  Damn!

Former Mets Pitcher Catches More Charges

On Tuesday, Dwight "Dr. K" Gooden, was charged with both driving under the influence of drugs and leaving the scene of an accident. While Police remain hush-hush about who the child in the car was or what substances were in question, this is not Dr. K's first run in with the law. Prior to ending his career as a result of debt and drug and alcohol use, he had faced a number of charges from from driving with a suspended license to open container to battery. Over the course of his career, Gooden pitched for both the New York Mets and Yankees as well as Cleveland, Houston and Tampa Bay.

The driver of the other car told police that Gooden shook his hand and seemed surprised when he recognized the former baseball pitcher... Which brings up my question: how did he catch a charge of leaving the scene of an accident if he obviously got out of the car and had time to chat it up with the other driver? Then what? He hopped back into his dented up ride and sped off when the other person obviously knew who he was? Either Gooden was just that messed up at the time, or something else is being left out of the story.

Congrats, Derek!

I would like to offer a quick congratulations to Derek Jeter, who was recently named Sports Illustrated's 2009 Sportsman of the Year. The Yankees' captain batted .334 this season and led the Yankees to their 27th World Series Championship. Jeter joins some elite company, including Michael Jordan, Arnold Palmer, and Michael Phelps. Let's hope he'll keep up the good work and lead the Yanks to #28 next season.

Mullets vs... Crew Cuts?

Did anyone else notice anything particularly odd about the World Series? No, Phillies fans, I don’t mean the Yankees' victory. Once they took off their caps, it looked like each team had a mandatory haircut that came with the uniform... and it was not pretty. Case in point:

- Two best teams in the MLB this year: the Phillies and the Yankees.
- Two worst haircuts of any year: the Mullet and the Crew Cut.

That being said: can someone tell me how in the name of Britney’s-shaved-head did two those hairstyles end up on our two 2009 World Series teams’ heads??

Exhibit 1: The Crew Cut
Oh yes: straight from the 90’s, this terrible judgment of what should be deemed acceptable in men’s haircuts is apparently making a comeback in New York. I’m not sure if the Yankee’s coach is paying off the team barber or what, but from the looks of it, they have all somehow been mistakenly hacked into this atrocious ‘do.


Joe Girardi - setting a bad example for his team with the crew cut.


Derek Jeter apprently didn't get the memo - he's using that razor in the wrong area.


Francisco Cerevelli hopping on the Crew Cut Bandwagon.


Exhibit 2: The Mullet
The name says it all. Even more sadly for the Phillies, I don’t think there was EVER a period when the mullet was even half-way legit. Around Philadelphia, though, they are growing as thick as swarms of Phillies groupies: and it seems they too will attach themselves however they can. In their defense, though, I am actually a firm believer that a Mullet can alter a right state of mind. That’s got to be the case, because, like the groupies, no one in their right mind would keep one around more than 24 hours.


It all started with John Kruk - the Original Phillies Mullet.


Pedro Martinez rocking an Unruly Mullet


At least Cole Hamels had the decency to put a cap on his Beginner's Mullet


Has the world really come to a choice between mullets or crew cuts? It’s like picking between brightly colored faux-fur and platform shoes: you’d rather walk around in your birthday suit than be caught dead in either. C’mon boys, I’m begging you, let's trim it up.

We Want Soup and We Want It Now - Reason #4,945,060 I Hate the Yankees

It took me an hour and a half to get roughly a mile and a half this morning, all because of the Yankees. Unfortunately, my office is right across the street from City Hall Plaza, where today's parade concludes and the Yankees will be awarded the keys to the city.

This brings me to my next qualm - in the post-9/11 era we're seriously handing out keys to the city? In the city whose motto is "If you see something, say something," I feel compelled to speak up. First of all, why do they gets the keys to NYC? I'm pretty sure these guys don't have a problem with walking around freely in the city, win or lose. For example, A-Roid didn't think twice about walking around with Madonna last year when he team didn't even make the playoffs.

Secondly, the Yankees are the "World Champions" and all they get is a key to NYC that doesn't actually open anything. Shit, that sucks. Well thanks Mayor Bloomberg, you really outdid yourself. Now if we could get this thing over with so I can cross Broadway for some food, that'd be AWESOME!

Tonight's Lineup

Just thought you might want a preview of a few clutch players in the Yankees' lineup tonight.

Pitcher: Andy Pettitte is a four-time World Series Champion who also holds the record for the most postseason wins in all of Major League Baseball. He has played in seven different World Series'. Basically, we're talking about a lot of experience from a guy who does not crack under pressure.

Shortstop: Captain Derek Jeter has a .309 postseason batting average (meaning he definitely will not be hitting into any double plays tonight). He has been in the playoffs every year since he joined the Yankees in 1995 except for one. Jeter is not one to shy from the spotlight, and we can expect big things from him tonight.

Coach: Joe Girardi is in his second year as Yankees' head coach. As a former player for the Yankees, he understands better than most the pressure to perform. He is also a three-time World Series Champion who has won multiple coaching awards.

There is not enough space (or time, since the game starts in just over an hour) to list the many accolades bestowed on this Yankee lineup. The Yankees' postseason experience combined with their exceptional talent, which catapulted them into first place when some thought that their season was on the brink, are ultimately going to lead them to a 27th World Series Championship. Although the Phillies might have a few stars, bank on an erratic Pedro Martinez, though he no longer plays for the Red Sox, to be easily rattled by New York fans.

And don't forget that if things get rough, the Yankees can always call on Mariano Rivera.

If Stripes are the New Man Purse, Murses Must be the New Chanel Suit: it Never Goes Out of Style.

When asked to list some of the baseball greats, even a novice would reply with names like Yogi Berra, Lou Gehrig, Mickey Mantle, Joe DiMaggio and Babe Ruth. What do all of these famous players have in common besides being undeniable staples in American baseball history? They were all Yankees. With 44 players in the Hall of Fame and 40 World Series appearances resulting in 26 titles, the Yankees themselves are also a classic victor in American baseball.

While Heidi and Ruby may be pulling for a Phillies win tonight, I tend to think of myself as slightly more … rational. Does anyone else recall the outcome the last time both teams met for a World Series in 1950? The Yanks swept the Phillies 4-0 without so much as a flinch. This time around, it’s getting down to the wire and the Phillies are down with only two wins against the Yankee’s three. Stripe-less caps off to the Phillies for making it to Game 6 this time around, but I’m sticking to my guns: the Bronx Zoo will be roaring tonight as the Yanks add title 27 to their collection.

Pin Stripes are the New Man-Purse ("murse" if you will)

It is pretty clear we're a bit torn here about the Yankees-Phillies series. We believe in balanced reporting which is why we try and see things from both sides. While Heidi's dreams of not having to see A-Rod or Jeter until at least next season would be expedited by a Yankee win tonight, both Heidi and I are pulling for Martinez to throw out some of his World Series magic that we saw on the '03-'04 Red Sox team. Deep down, we know who the real winners are and they don't wear pin stripes.

Game 6 Tonight

Andy Pettitte has a golden opportunity to dominate Pedro Martinez and Chase Utley tonight, and I think he is up to the challenge. With a strong lineup, the Yanks are pumped up for what is likely to be their 27th World Series Championship. Game 6 is tonight at 7:57 EST.